Sunday, June 21, 2009

Me thinks too much

For You, string Bean,
My friend often says, A mind is a terrible thing! Think about it.
Mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter.

Good Medicine

The Word says that a merry heart does good like a medicine! I wish YOU ALL a Hillarius Day!!!
No, I will not bill you for that one.

Morning

Life has a way of changing our vocabulary. Instead of waking up and saying Good morning Lord, we often say, Good Lord, Morning?

WILD MAN

Is it weird that taking a spin in the minivan while drinking a Red Bull is now wild to us?

NASCAR

Am I the only one that uses Nascar as a sleep aid? Something about watching a constant left turn for hundreds of miles just puts me out. It's OK, that's what the news is for, to find out who won while I was sawing logs. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Forgetting Something?

The older I get, the more I figure out the mysteries of life, then I forget them. I think gray hair is due to the gray matter leaching out into the hair, leaving me, wait I forgot what I was....

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Birthdays

Birthdays are depressing sometimes, but hey if you wake up that morning on the right side of the grass, I guess it could be worse, Huh?

Geography Lessons

Hey guys, if you want a fun and exciting way to teach children Geography just take a map of the world to WalMart a stocking time and read on the boxes where the product was made! The USA will be there somewhere, and to avoid unwated questions as to where or why, just tell them they are on the bottom of the pallet.

Three...Four...Five...

If two is company
And three is a crowd
Then is four a nuisance?

Lights of Rome

A Minister friend of mine was quoted as saying:
I have seen the lights of France, I have seen the lghts of Rome.
The most beautiful lights are the tail lights of the car taking my Grandkids back home!

Sirens

You might be getting older when all those sirens from those high speed chases you have been hearing at night is really tinnitus. Oh, to hear Sam play it again!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Boxes

Am I the only one who is annoyed that I have to turn the box to find the English instructions and features?

Yikes

If you are only as old as you feel, I better get more life insurance.

B-Days

Birthdays are a great excuse to act like a child, eat like a pig, hang out with the family, and try to forget, wait I forgot, oh, how old you really are!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

THE OLD MAN

The toddly old man came through the doors of the health club and slowing crept up tothe counter and asked the receptionist for a membership application. His wrinkled brow lifted as he squenched enough to read the fine print and slowly with his crooked fingers held the pen and gingerly filled it out and turned it in with his crinkled 100 dollar bill he pulled from his wrinkled stained pockets. The assistant took him by the hand as he held on to hs cane a lumbered overto the scales where she was astonished when she observed he was 50ponds overweight. She asked him about his lifesyle, and he said, I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes every day, I am romantically active and don't believe in well.. you know, and I drink whiskey, wine, beer and even occasionally moonshine when I can find it. The assistant marvelled as she listened to the ramblings of the old man as he swayed back and forth narrowly missing the corner of the cabinet with his head. In a hurry to get the old man some help, she asked him, sir you forgot to fill out your age on our form, now how old are you? The old man replied 27

AS OLD AS YOU FEEL

Don't keep asking us if we feel any older when we have a birthday. We feel fine, strong and full of #$&*#@ and vinegar and can take you on at any time. Now go away, I can't find my cane and my hip just slipped out again.

Job

Have you ever prayed for patience? If so, did you say I want it now?

Rain Rain Go Away

Remember singing in the yard during that summer shower, "Rain, Rain, Go Away! Come again some other day!" Well we have had so much rain lately that if it all came again at a later day, Noah would have to start sharpening his saws.

I need a raise

If I had a raise I could adopt the philosophy of my Government who in the last 100 days has spent more money and left as much debt as has accumilated over the last 200 years!
Oh, to have that much money that I could spend. Wait, I too would probably just give it away, well some of it after I filled my gas tank.

Thrift Stores

Buying things from the thrift stores is kinda like buying a used car. Someone has already kicked the tires before you. Saves a lot of shoe wear! Oh, and you can buy shoes there too. Love cowboy boots with the pointed toes. They are great for killing roaches in the corner. Splat :>)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Smile

I once knew a man who could stretch a dollar so well that you could drive a Greyhound bus between the gap in George Washington's front teeth.

Pearly Whites!

You are only as old as you feel.........................
When you are digging your false teeth out of the jar!

Timber-Ho

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it still make a sound?
Ask the squirrel who fell with the tree, if he heard the blind man who wasn't there chopping down the tree.
Which of these questions, is more annoying?

Kibble

Why is it that the new puppy always chews on your favorite shoes?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Sweet Dreams

Have you guys ever dreamed that you were asleep and dreaming. I have. I once dreamed that I was asleep dreaming about being asleep and dreaming. Freaky Huh? Hard to wake up like that. I woke up twice in my dreams and once again really. What would Freud have to say about that?
Maybe I can dream about what that meant.

Shutter Bugs

To all of us photographers: Why are the best shots the ones we took when the lens cap was on?

Medicine

Do drug companies REALLY need to advertise on TV and magazines. It is as if we are all filling out a shopping list to present to our Doctors after we have self diagnosed with our vast knowledge we have gained by watching those ads and now have to visit the eye Doctor after straining our eyes reading about all the side effects that usually end with, and I love this one; May result in death! Yeah that is why I take medicine, right? Wait I thought that was what we were avoiding by taking the meds in the first place. And oh those dreaded side effects that may last for more than four hours. Nuf said!

DIET SECRETS INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!

Sure fired methods that work: Splints on the elbows and duct tape over the mouth. All othes require way to much effort.

What?

I once had a friend who would stare folks he met rght in the eye and ask them if their Mother ever had any kids that lived. Think about that one, it stumped many of us.

Knowledge

If we were attacked by a horde of brain suckers, would they starve?

It stinks in here

This one is dedicated to Steve and Becky
You know your shoes ar stinky when your odor eaters wave a white flag!!!!