THROW THOSE PANTS AWAY!

How many times have we refused to throw away those old pants that we can't squeeze into anymore cause we might lose weight and can fit into them again? Really? You think? I have a few pairs, that if I could get into them,the button would become a lethal weapon, if God forbid it was to break off!

Pluto, just a Disney Character

Ok, who else is ticked off that Pluto is no longer considered a planet? The scientists now consider that it is just a ball of gas, and is no more than a large star! If that is so then those that know me can call me a star. Gas Humor, nothing better if your 5. Enjoy, little tykes.

50 Boo Hoo

Has your get up and go, got up and went? Does your liver quiver? Does your ying feel like it's being stomped by your yang? (Whatever those are) Has your pep left your step?
If so, you might be over 50. It doesn't mean the end of the world, it just feels like it.

Back To School

Why is that the lists for school supplies get longer every year, when the income gets smaller? Kids already need wheels on their book bags just to prevent spine damage from carrying those heaps of books that they rarely open.

Froggie

Somewhere there are multitudes of amputated frogs, judging from the buffet selections. Tastes like chicken they say, but then doesn't everything except chicken nuggets?

HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!!

It is quite bewildering to tell your co-workers that you are about to have a High School reunion, commemorating a graduation year before they were born. Time is often a cruel taskmaster!
I don't want to ask anyone if I look old, because I appreciate honesty, and I still look better than Keith Richards...... or do I? Wait I said I appreciate honesty, ohhhhh, OK, This time you can lie if you want, just don't tell anyone.

Marshmallows

You know life is linda like a marshmallow, cause it is sometimes sweet, sometimes light, sometimes soft and cuddly, and when put to the fire and smothered in chocalate and crammed between two hard places at once, namely graham crackers, we often say Please sir, may I have some more!!!!! I do love smores (<:

Ouch

I read a T Shirt the other day that read, Pain is weakness leaving the body. If that is so, I must be the weakest man alive. Retail + Tax Free Wekend = Pain, Sore Feet, Frayed Nerves
This too shall pass!

Speed Demon

Alright, I know that when your young you tend to give that car a little too much gas, just to hear those tires screech, but when you get older, you just seem to slow down too much and infuriate all those behind you as you continue to cruise down the road with that left turn signal flashing for all it's worth. But then again I think it might be a frightening sight to see Grandpa burning rubber while blasting Lawrence Welk out the windows!

Hungry?

Is it true that your elbow is connected directly to your mouth, cause it seems that when at the table when my elbow bends, my mouth automatically flies open!

Whoah! Slow down my friends

When we are coasting down lifes highway with our minds in Nuetral, we miss too many life signs along the way. The Stop sign is one we need to obey when life is going too fast. Stop and smell the roses they say, but I prefer the Coffee. Ok, I know that caffeine can be a bother but it is my drug of choice (<: :>)

Step by step

Having big feet are great sometimes. My Dad always told me I would have been 7 foot tall if half my leg hadn't turned up to be a foot! But hey, if I lose my skis, I can still stay on top the water, with my built in pair.

Life just isn't fair

We all know that we get shorter as we age. Just the time that we need longer arms to be able to read things they are just getting shorter.

Me thinks too much

For You, string Bean,
My friend often says, A mind is a terrible thing! Think about it.
Mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter.

Good Medicine

The Word says that a merry heart does good like a medicine! I wish YOU ALL a Hillarius Day!!!
No, I will not bill you for that one.

Morning

Life has a way of changing our vocabulary. Instead of waking up and saying Good morning Lord, we often say, Good Lord, Morning?

WILD MAN

Is it weird that taking a spin in the minivan while drinking a Red Bull is now wild to us?

NASCAR

Am I the only one that uses Nascar as a sleep aid? Something about watching a constant left turn for hundreds of miles just puts me out. It's OK, that's what the news is for, to find out who won while I was sawing logs. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Forgetting Something?

The older I get, the more I figure out the mysteries of life, then I forget them. I think gray hair is due to the gray matter leaching out into the hair, leaving me, wait I forgot what I was....

Birthdays

Birthdays are depressing sometimes, but hey if you wake up that morning on the right side of the grass, I guess it could be worse, Huh?

Geography Lessons

Hey guys, if you want a fun and exciting way to teach children Geography just take a map of the world to WalMart a stocking time and read on the boxes where the product was made! The USA will be there somewhere, and to avoid unwated questions as to where or why, just tell them they are on the bottom of the pallet.

Three...Four...Five...

If two is company
And three is a crowd
Then is four a nuisance?

Lights of Rome

A Minister friend of mine was quoted as saying:
I have seen the lights of France, I have seen the lghts of Rome.
The most beautiful lights are the tail lights of the car taking my Grandkids back home!

Sirens

You might be getting older when all those sirens from those high speed chases you have been hearing at night is really tinnitus. Oh, to hear Sam play it again!

Boxes

Am I the only one who is annoyed that I have to turn the box to find the English instructions and features?

Yikes

If you are only as old as you feel, I better get more life insurance.

B-Days

Birthdays are a great excuse to act like a child, eat like a pig, hang out with the family, and try to forget, wait I forgot, oh, how old you really are!

THE OLD MAN

The toddly old man came through the doors of the health club and slowing crept up tothe counter and asked the receptionist for a membership application. His wrinkled brow lifted as he squenched enough to read the fine print and slowly with his crooked fingers held the pen and gingerly filled it out and turned it in with his crinkled 100 dollar bill he pulled from his wrinkled stained pockets. The assistant took him by the hand as he held on to hs cane a lumbered overto the scales where she was astonished when she observed he was 50ponds overweight. She asked him about his lifesyle, and he said, I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes every day, I am romantically active and don't believe in well.. you know, and I drink whiskey, wine, beer and even occasionally moonshine when I can find it. The assistant marvelled as she listened to the ramblings of the old man as he swayed back and forth narrowly missing the corner of the cabinet with his head. In a hurry to get the old man some help, she asked him, sir you forgot to fill out your age on our form, now how old are you? The old man replied 27

AS OLD AS YOU FEEL

Don't keep asking us if we feel any older when we have a birthday. We feel fine, strong and full of #$&*#@ and vinegar and can take you on at any time. Now go away, I can't find my cane and my hip just slipped out again.

Job

Have you ever prayed for patience? If so, did you say I want it now?

Rain Rain Go Away

Remember singing in the yard during that summer shower, "Rain, Rain, Go Away! Come again some other day!" Well we have had so much rain lately that if it all came again at a later day, Noah would have to start sharpening his saws.

I need a raise

If I had a raise I could adopt the philosophy of my Government who in the last 100 days has spent more money and left as much debt as has accumilated over the last 200 years!
Oh, to have that much money that I could spend. Wait, I too would probably just give it away, well some of it after I filled my gas tank.

Thrift Stores

Buying things from the thrift stores is kinda like buying a used car. Someone has already kicked the tires before you. Saves a lot of shoe wear! Oh, and you can buy shoes there too. Love cowboy boots with the pointed toes. They are great for killing roaches in the corner. Splat :>)

Smile

I once knew a man who could stretch a dollar so well that you could drive a Greyhound bus between the gap in George Washington's front teeth.

Pearly Whites!

You are only as old as you feel.........................
When you are digging your false teeth out of the jar!

Timber-Ho

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it still make a sound?
Ask the squirrel who fell with the tree, if he heard the blind man who wasn't there chopping down the tree.
Which of these questions, is more annoying?

Kibble

Why is it that the new puppy always chews on your favorite shoes?

Sweet Dreams

Have you guys ever dreamed that you were asleep and dreaming. I have. I once dreamed that I was asleep dreaming about being asleep and dreaming. Freaky Huh? Hard to wake up like that. I woke up twice in my dreams and once again really. What would Freud have to say about that?
Maybe I can dream about what that meant.

Shutter Bugs

To all of us photographers: Why are the best shots the ones we took when the lens cap was on?

Medicine

Do drug companies REALLY need to advertise on TV and magazines. It is as if we are all filling out a shopping list to present to our Doctors after we have self diagnosed with our vast knowledge we have gained by watching those ads and now have to visit the eye Doctor after straining our eyes reading about all the side effects that usually end with, and I love this one; May result in death! Yeah that is why I take medicine, right? Wait I thought that was what we were avoiding by taking the meds in the first place. And oh those dreaded side effects that may last for more than four hours. Nuf said!

DIET SECRETS INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!

Sure fired methods that work: Splints on the elbows and duct tape over the mouth. All othes require way to much effort.

What?

I once had a friend who would stare folks he met rght in the eye and ask them if their Mother ever had any kids that lived. Think about that one, it stumped many of us.

Knowledge

If we were attacked by a horde of brain suckers, would they starve?

It stinks in here

This one is dedicated to Steve and Becky
You know your shoes ar stinky when your odor eaters wave a white flag!!!!

Vices

Isn't it woderful that some of our favorite vices have now become healthy sources of Antioxidants. Coffee, tea and Dark Chocolate!!!!! Yum, lets get healthy.

Handle It!

Love handles become flotation devices when immersed in water. Just thinking safety here, right?

Low Riders

C'mon now, tell the truth, we don't really want to see your boxers! Pull those pants up, put on a belt, and then we will talk. Maybe, if you can speak Souternese, the Language of Choice.

To tell you the truth

Many start what they are going to say with, To tell you the truth. If you think about it, why would I want you to tell me anything else? I usually quip, no tell me a lie instead.

Roll Baby Roll

Money is a paradox. Some think it is made flat to stack, some think it is made round to roll. Mine rolls as if a hornets nest fell on it.

Gump

Life is like a box of chocolates. There are sticky times, sugar sweet memories, and is chock full of nuts like us! Well, OK like me.

Battle of The Buldge

My Dads' definition of the battle of The Buldge, is so very different from mine. I start the battle on the scales every morning. Winning is not an option.

Phone Etiquette

You answer the phone with, May I help you? Oh, how many times did you want to say WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME??

Diet

If you are what you eat, then after looking in the mirror this morning. I need to change my diet.

Are we there yet?

How many times have kids uttered these annoying words? (Are we there yet?) At our age we are glad just to be here. There can wait.

Take a Chill Pill

How many times have we heard that, Take a chill pill. No thanks we have carpal tunnel from taking our prescribed medications.

Hardly Breathing

It's not a problem when you are hardly breathing. What is worse is that every time we get up from the chair we are breathing hardly. We will get in shape...one day I guess.

Let's go out

When your back is the only thing that goes out, you might be getting old.
Lifting can be hard. Those feather pillows are especially heavy.

Rude and Crude

Isn't it great that when you get old you can be rude and crude and the kids just think it's cause of you age?
Boy do we have them fooled, Huh?

Achey Breaky Heart???

It's not your heart that feels achey, it's your back, your knees... fill in the blank.

CRINKLES

Crinkles are those crazy wrinkles that pop up without warning overnight.
You know you are getting old when your wrinkles have wrinkles!